For my Daughter – On her Birthday…

It took me a while but eventually I found it !

The perfect poem for my daughter on her birthday

Titled “The Writer” and written by Richard Wilbur, the poem is a visual and finely-pitched exploration of a parent’s thoughts as he/she wishes strength and perseverance for the daughter to fight, learn and fly.



In her room at the prow of the house

Where light breaks, and the windows are tossed with linden,

My daughter is writing a story.


I pause in the stairwell, hearing

From her shut door a commotion of typewriter-keys

Like a chain hauled over a gunwale.


Young as she is, the stuff

Of her life is a great cargo, and some of it heavy:

I wish her a lucky passage.


But now it is she who pauses,

As if to reject my thought and its easy figure.

A stillness greatens, in which


The whole house seems to be thinking,

And then she is at it again with a bunched clamor

Of strokes, and again is silent.


I remember the dazed starling

Which was trapped in that very room, two years ago;

How we stole in, lifted a sash


And retreated, not to affright it;

And how for a helpless hour, through the crack of the door,

We watched the sleek, wild, dark


And iridescent creature

Batter against the brilliance, drop like a glove

To the hard floor, or the desk-top,


And wait then, humped and bloody,

For the wits to try it again; and how our spirits

Rose when, suddenly sure,


It lifted off from a chair-back,

Beating a smooth course for the right window

And clearing the sill of the world.


It is always a matter, my darling,

Of life or death, as I had forgotten.  I wish

What I wished you before, but harder.

(From New and Collected Poems, published by Harcourt Brace, 1988. Copyright © 1969 by Richard Wilbur. All rights reserved)

Many thanks to this page at where I found a collection of evocative poems on daughters – the love, joy, youthfulness and hope they bring into their parents’ lives, the strength that they display through life’s challenges but also their differences with parents which eventually mark them out as individuals in their own right.


Gossip, Interrupted

There – I had managed to do it! It had taken some concerted effort on my part, but I had stuck it out, held on to my guns and not given up. In case you wondering what all the self-congratulation is about, I shall give you one word – Gossip. and I had managed to survive an entire party without giving in to its temptation.

 Oil on cradled Panel titled ‘Gossip’ by Eugen Von Blass, 1903

In his best known work, Faerie Queen, Elizabethan poet Edmund Spenser, described Slander as a Blatant Beast who wreaks havoc, less by brute physical force and more by sneaky rumour-mongering. Indeed the wounds inflicted by the Beast in the lengthy poem turn out to be almost incurable since they not just physically hurt the victim but destroy him/her psychically.

Seems a bit fanciful today, doesn’t it – after all, everyone indulges in a little harmless gossip now and then. And yet, is it really harmless?

A snide remark here, a loaded suggestion there. Rolled up eyes and a meaningful wink – so many weapons to shoot a reputation down, attack a person behind his/her back. And oh, this kind of arsenal is gender neutral – men use it as much as women to strike.

Is this why people gossip – to bring down others? Is this the only pay-off? This word is actually a loaded term from Eric Berne’s Games People Play where one of the psychological games described is Blemish. In fact, he really classifies it a classic Party game and yesterday, as I was revising Transactional Analysis for my students, I realized with a jolt, how often have I seen it played out before my very eyes – and daresay at times, participated myself!

“ ‘Blemish’ players do not feel comfortable with a new person until they have found his blemish,” says Berne “… It has internal psychological advantage of warding off depression, and the external psychological advantage of avoiding the intimacy which might expose the player’s own blemishes.” (from Games People Play, Eric Berne)


As I pondered on the pay-off, a more contemporary metaphor came to my mind – maybe not high-falutin’ Spensarian allegory but I wondered if gossip does not act as a drug! You start with only this amount to get a high – the Bernian pay-off – and then proceed to increasingly higher doses to attain the same level of pay-off.

But as Berne also points out, a script can be changed – rewritten too if driven by awareness and enough volition. And as I think back on all the exciting conversations I had at the last party with guests other than the gossipers, I realize that I had managed to beat back the Blatant Beast – take that Gossip, I don’t need you anymore !!

And yet I am aware that this requires hard work and will-power –  after all tomorrow is another day, another Party…


PTSD – How to help

On a day that our guest lecturer dealt with the topic of Stress and Trauma Management in a highly impactful way, I came back home and started pondering on PTSD. Standing for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it is a psychological condition that affects those who have suffered a major trauma to the psyche and/or the body.


Actually I knew nothing of the acronym or what it meant the first time I saw it in action – in an Oliver Stone movie, Heaven and Earth where Tommy Lee Jones plays the role of an American soldier who returns from the Vietnam War not only with a wife but also inner demons which eventually drive him to turn the gun on himself.

Courtesy:Warner Bros

If your loved one is suffering from PTSD, here is how can you help:

Know the symptoms

Ideally, the person should be seeing a counsellor as part of his/her recuperation process from the traumatic incident. If that has not happened, watch out for unusual behaviour. Signs that can alert you to a PTSD victim could range from apparently minor ones like sleep disturbances and a tendency to avoid social situations to extreme ones like intense fear, anxiety, helplessness, hypervigilance and even hallucinations. If such symptoms have been continuing for a month at least, it is time to look up a doctor for the right diagnosis.

Get Help

See that he/she continues with treatment which could be therapy, medication or a combination of both.  This is because though symptoms can vary from apparently mild to obviously debilitating, they can quickly take a turn where the affected person can put their own selves or those of their loved ones, in harm’s way.

Really Listen

Be available when the victim wants to talk about the incident or about anything else. Avoid arguing and interrupting him/her but when you are concerned, wait your turn and voice your feelings clearly. Above all, don’t offer advice – rather ask what you can do to help.



Finally, offer your complete support. Invite him/her to accompany you out of doors for some time everyday – like going for a walk, feeding the ducks in a nearby park or some such peaceful activity. Encourage him/her to take small steps to get back to family and friends but never rush a victim to “snap out of it” – recovering from PTSD is a complex process and both the victim as well as his/her loved ones like you need to give it time.



3 Top Signs You Are With A Frenemy

Among the more colourful portmanteau words to have invaded pop culture in recent times is Frenemy – someone who appears to be a friend but often, insidiously, behaves like an enemy. If a couple of people in your personal circle send out such ambiguous signals and leave you feeling confused, here are top 3 ways to spot a Frenemy.


Back-handed compliments

Do words of apparent praise from this person actually leave a bitter taste in your mouth?  If yes, watch out! Say you just pulled off a negotiation with that difficult client and instead of celebrating a sure-shot fat commission or a corner office coming your way, he/she says something like “Wow, now you can go on more out-of-town office tours in business class” , focussing on the minor negative – longer tour hours – rather than major positives like higher pay or perks.

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Goading you to make bad choices

Yet another sign of a toxic pal is him/her pushing you to make choices that may be couched in trendy words but are clearly bad for you – a lip colour that makes your skin look paler or stripes that make you appear stouter. Once you have fallen for your frenemy’s suggestions,  he/she is sure to smirk and point out that they would not be caught dead wearing THAT.

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Makes you feel bad

So why do people stick with such toxic personalities at all – frenemies usually take pains to be nice in the initial stages of a relationship and by the time you have recognized them for what they really are, they have put you down to their heart’s content and thus got their pay-off before moving on to other unsuspecting souls. Again such personalities are usually hyper-social and appear to be very popular, fashionable which attracts people rather shy or less self-assured.

Unfortunately the high of being befriended by someone apparently popular is a very brief one as sooner than later, their words and attitudes leave you feeling more miserable and introverted than before.

So wise up to that cool girl/dude feeding off your insecurities and before he/she can hurt you again bid your frenemy goodbye!


Talking About Gender Inequality

Apart from a few soft gasps, the room was silent!



This quote from a 1980 UN Report made up the first slide of the Gender Sensitization class that I took yesterday. Though women in most societies do more than men was generally accepted as a fact by my students – themselves all women – when framed in numbers, the very extent of the inequality shocked them into silence.

Over the next two hours, we covered a few theoretical concepts and then moved on to some of  the ways gender was relevant to language, communication and workplace dynamics. Along the way we not only explored various ways, language posits – for example through words like ‘sportsmanship’, ‘penmanship’, ‘right-hand man’ etc –  the male gender as the norm but also how popular psychology concepts like the masculine ‘report’ vs the feminine ‘rapport’ style of communication construct, disseminate and perpetuate gender stereotypes and hence inequality. Eventually we arrived at various gender issues at workplace, ending with the most traumatic of them all, sexual harassment.


Though I tried to keep the lectures as focussed as possible to the course curriculum, the ‘digressions’ were especially enjoyable. We covered possible causes of patriarchy and talked about Gerda Lerner’s social historicist hypothesis in the Creation of Patriarchy. How immensely valuable is such research – using data from anthropology and culture studies, she historicizes patriarchy which eventually frees women from the notion that existing gender inequalities are timeless and universal.


What made the class truly enriching were inputs from my students as well. Kamla Bhasin for example was pointed as one of the foremost feminist voices in the Indian context and at one TED talk, she reveals how patriarchy impacts both genders – oppressing not only women but dehumanizing men as well. What it has done to the third gender, I asked the class to reflect, on their own.

I however not only conclude the class without a mention of the person, who started it all for me – my Gender Studies professor from Jadavpur University, Dr. Indira Choudhuri. I did my best in the last few  minutes of the class to share with my students her erudition, ground-breaking research as well as the sheer dynamism of her personality – while also regretting that as a student more than 20 years ago, I was barely equipped with the experience and sensitivity to optimize my learning from her.

Thankfully we all grow and come to know better – herein lies my hope for society as well!


3 Quick Feel Good Fixes

Haven’t we all been there sometime? Down in the dumps – the result of perhaps a skirmish at work, a nasty comment by a frenemy, fight with a better half or just the December chills getting to you. So if you have been feeling low lately, here are three simple ways to bounce back…

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Set and Meet Personal Goals

Consumerist culture like ours posits leisure activities like getting a massage or shopping as easy sources of happiness. The truth though may however be quite different. People who strive to reach personal goals by engaging in purposeful leisure like learning a new language or trying out a different sport may end actually end up happier, according to research by Bernardo J. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University. Setting such goals and striving to reach them appears to give an individual a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment, as compared to buying a service or a product.

Connect Meaningfully

One of the surest ways to start feeling happy is to nurture positive relationships with people you care about. No wonder then family and close friends have consistently ranked high among the must-haves for a quality life. However to really feel good about the people in your life, your relationships must be meaningful – in other words, a bond where you actively give rather than just take so that you are not just looking for company or approval. So get off the computer or phone and rather than looking to ‘friends’ and ‘contacts’ at social networking sites, get involved with the real person who is important to you and you will surely feel better than before.


Free Yourself from Expectations

Though meaningful relationships and activities can help you feel positive, it is equally important that you don’t have unrealistic expectations. For example, the day after your birthday, have you ever woken up with the feeling, that your special day wasn’t as much as you had thought it would be? This happens for the simple reason that you had unrealistic expectations of it – like your colleagues at work throwing a surprise party for you or your partner getting you an expensive gift. Once you are able to liberate yourself from this focus on what you can get, it becomes much easier to take pleasure in the natural processes – whether connecting with others or doing something pleasurable – which are ultimately what makes us happy.


A Lost Soul

For a fraction of a second, I lost control!

Though my hands were firmly on the steering wheel, the sight of that brown slender body darting across the road forced me to halt on a side and get out of the car.

It was a beautiful black Dachshund. And it was clearly lost.


I strode up and down the road, looking for its owner. I even asked a few passers-by which direction it came from. I looked for a sentry on traffic duty to keep it safe – no luck. And all the while, the little creature kept darting to and away from my heels; running uncertainly on its stubby legs towards, and then almost immediately, away from my car. Clearly the dog was looking for its owner – its instinct for safety made it come near me and my car but then its senses probably told it that we were not who it was looking for.

There was not much more I could do then – I clicked a pic to circulate it in the neighbourhood Whatsapp groups. I left – wondering how it came to be stranded on a busy road – a gate left ajar? A door not latched? Or an owner who could no longer be bothered? For a moment I was even tempted to let it hop into my car but had to drop the idea since I knew someone back home would be far from welcoming.


As I parked my car in the garage and walked up the steps of my home, Ginger – my brat of a German Shepherd – ran out to greet me. However its enthusiastic licking soon gave way to a quizzical look as it realized that, today, my thoughts were somewhere very far away…