3 questions to help you spot a frenemy

Friendships make up one’s bulwark against life’s many tumults. At the same time though, there are some attachments which seem to bring you down rather than lift you up. Here are 3 questions which can help you spot a toxic friendship, or as it is popularly known now, a frenemy.

Are you wearing that?

“But then I suppose, it’s the best that can be done with your complexion” – and this after you have spent hours picking a dress.Compliments that demean are among the biggest red flags which should alert you to an frenemy. About your new guy, she may add airily that, “he seems so much better than the kind of guys you usually attract”.

Why don’t try that orange lipstick?

“But it’s something I personally would never buy.” Do you see what’s going on here? Your supposed friend is goading you to make choices just not right for you. On the face of it, suggestions about a pair of shoes or a date may seem innocuous but as soon as you make them, she would probably smirk and remark that she’d never wear something like or date that kind of guy herself. The reason that frenemy does this is to prop herself with a sense of superiority – never mind if in the process, her words are hurtful.

Really, is that a big deal?

You just told your ‘friend’ about a promotion at work, a degree you earned or a fabulous cake that you baked. But all she could do was come up with a question that made you feel foolish. Downplaying your achievement is one of the sure-fire signs that you are in a toxic friendship.

A one off snide remark should not send you scurrying away since anyone can be having a bad day. But if a companion keeps making you feel bad about yourself, repeatedly, you are probably with a frenemy.

3 Top Signs You Are With A Frenemy

Among the more colourful portmanteau words to have invaded pop culture in recent times is Frenemy – someone who appears to be a friend but often, insidiously, behaves like an enemy. If a couple of people in your personal circle send out such ambiguous signals and leave you feeling confused, here are top 3 ways to spot a Frenemy.

Back-handed compliments

Do words of apparent praise from this person actually leave a bitter taste in your mouth?  If yes, watch out! Say you just pulled off a negotiation with that difficult client and instead of celebrating a sure-shot fat commission or a corner office coming your way, he/she says something like “Wow, now you can go on more out-of-town office tours in business class” , focussing on the minor negative – longer tour hours – rather than major positives like higher pay or perks.

Goading you to make bad choices

Yet another sign of a toxic pal is him/her pushing you to make choices that may be couched in trendy words but are clearly bad for you – a lip colour that makes your skin look paler or stripes that make you appear stouter. Once you have fallen for your frenemy’s suggestions,  he/she is sure to smirk and point out that they would not be caught dead wearing THAT.

Makes you feel bad

So why do people stick with such toxic personalities at all – frenemies usually take pains to be nice in the initial stages of a relationship and by the time you have recognized them for what they really are, they have put you down to their heart’s content and thus got their pay-off before moving on to other unsuspecting souls. Again such personalities are usually hyper-social and appear to be very popular, fashionable which attracts people rather shy or less self-assured.

Unfortunately the high of being befriended by someone apparently popular is a very brief one as sooner than later, their words and attitudes leave you feeling more miserable and introverted than before.

So wise up to that cool girl/dude feeding off your insecurities and before he/she can hurt you again bid your frenemy goodbye!